All the work I did at ProMusica today was very tedious. I compiled five or so spreadsheets of contacts and finished Ashley's restaurant list. There were a little over 200 people on the final master spreadsheet. Yesterday, I had pasted all but one of the original spreadsheets into a new, complete one, so I got to find and delete duplicates today. Early on, I looked at the number at the bottom where the last name was. I think it was close to 280. I was kind of overwhelmed for a moment. It was going to be a lot to sort through. It was a lot to sort through.
Julia is taking next week off, so I will probably end up exploring what other people around here do some. Either that, or I'll waste a lot of time. Still, my evil plan—it's been approved actually—is to come to school on Wednesday to promote both ProMusica's next concert and the open SAB meeting on the 3rd. I'm choosing Wednesday because it's town meeting, but I have some other reasons too. Perhaps most significant, because I won't be able to drive to school regardless and will have to get up early enough to catch a bus, I may as well do this the day I had to get up early anyway. Wednesday is also the only day I wouldn't go to band… and now I can. Plus, the choir accompanist-type-person (not sure exactly how to explain this) comes in M-W-F and his being there pretty much guarantees a real rehearsal.
As I ponder this I realize that even though, or rather because, my plan for Wednesday is a diabolical plot to further my own purposes—not that I won't further ProMusica's either—I find the whole thing kind of uncomfortable. There's a bittersweet feeling to walking into Linworth anymore, because I feel as if I should really be somewhere else. It's strange—I don't feel this way at Kilbourne so much. I guess it's because at Linworth, the people around me think I should be somewhere else. Not that I ever hear "what are you doing here?!" except when someone is pleased to see me, but in band, most people don't even realize I have any reason to be elsewhere. Well, I guess they do since I'm missing so often. I hear that the directors fairly regularly have "oh no, we can't rehearse this without the oboe part" moments. Still, that maintains the expectation that I should be around most of the time.
Then again, my attitude toward band has also changed. I don't think this was an abrupt occurrence that began at walkabout, but something that has been haunting me for a while. There's just a growing cynicism that is getting harder and harder to fight off. I guess what it comes down to is that I don't actually feel comfortable at WK either, but the pressure to be elsewhere is more subtle, and manifests itself obliquely. This is why I need to leave: I don't really belong here anymore. I can blend in just fine, but I don't quite fit. It's tempting, oh so tempting, to find ways to appear in familiar places, but the experience only seems positive on the surface. There's something not quite right just below.
Hi Miriam-
ReplyDeleteSo, I'm sick, which gives me extra time, so I can comment! Maybe not the best situation to be in to be able to comment, but it works. But anyway, just wanted to say that I know the feeling. What you're talking about in your entry...yeah. It's rough. But you have a chance to get away for your second walkabout, and I'd say go for it. It'll be a great chance to grow and step out of your comfort zone and try something new. It takes a while to adjust, a couple weeks, but it's so worth it in the end. You really learn a lot about who you are, especially when you're faced with situations you're not normally faced with. I think every walkabout student should get away from home. It's a great chance to get used to being away in order to cope better with not just college, but life after school. Take a chance, Miriam. Jump. See where you land. And, most importantly, always remember that you are never alone.
Your friend,
Maria