February 3, 2009
When I arrived today I was in somewhat a better temperament than yesterday. I think the strangeness of this last weekend hadn't worn off completely yesterday and I was already somewhat overwhelmed to begin with. (Friday I had an audition at Duquesne and I spent the whole weekend in Pittsburg. Sunday night I went to a Columbus Symphony Youth orchestra concert and spent half the concert driving around looking for parking. Literally. I arrived at intermission.) The venting I did last night, both through my journal and at my oboe lesson, seemingly eased most of that tension so that from the beginning today could go better.
Even so, I did eventually have to go back to the list of potential contacts for donations for the student gala to make phone calls. I think I did better today, or at least I contacted more people and didn't spend as much time fighting with myself. After getting a blunt "no" a few times in a row I had to stop and regroup though. And I know that when I stopped my patience was somewhat thinner. I had to put together some directions for school visits and I was not in the mood to encouragingly urge to computers on but rather to curse at them, which I resisted the urge to do. As the day closed, I also became increasingly aware that I was not really done and that before I really had time to eat dinner I would have to come back for the Student Advisory Board meeting at seven o'clock.
I got home a little after six and my wonderful mother had put my share of the meal that she and my brother had already eaten in the microwave when she heard the garage door. I still was eating and running and this really ground on my nerves, I think because I felt like it was past time to be done for the day. School ends at 3:00 (…ish. Before at Linworth, after at Kilbourne) but my day at ProMusica ends at 5:30. And when school is over it's over, but I had to drive back before I'd really even been at home. I had that same tense, distressed feeling of dread that I experienced before all my late nights writing paper and such this year. Much worse than the day after was always the day before when I spent the day wondering if I'd really finish and if I could really make it through the night. And even with all my resolve and determination, there was always a fatalistic feeling that it would just never end and I'd never get to sleep. Now, instead of a never ending night I feared a never ending day. The knowledge that even my two all-nighters turned out not to be all that bad after the fact could not erase despairing cynicism.
Incidentally, I actually somewhat enjoyed the Student Advisory Board meeting. It felt kind of like a Prospice (Kilbourne's literary mag) meeting, only with more people who were, generally, more on top of things. Plus there's the part where at Prospice I was somewhat the leader people were looking to whereas this was my first SAB meeting and even though I'd had things explained to me beforehand I was still getting feel for how things worked and what we were doing. But I felt like we were discussing similar ideas for how to promote the student gala (as opposed to how to get submissions for the literary magazine) and that the social structure was following the same sorts of patterns. I also guess I hadn't really thought that much about how much time I'm spending working completely on my own, or just with Julia. I think interacting with peers was kind of refreshing, even though I have been going to band class. Maybe I also rejoiced secretly in the fact that many really weren't all that more on top of things than I was and that already. In any case, my day ended well enough so I must get some sleep before tomorrow's madness.
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