My Name is Miriam, and I am an Internet Addict

Today, I essentially spent the entire day making calls for the SAB gala. There wasn't really anything else I needed to do, and there were plenty of calls to make. I still find it hard to explain, comprehend, or admit how very much I detest having to do this and how very slowly it goes. I can't believe I spent the whole day doing this, I think I counted maybe twelve calls from my spreadsheet at the end. I don't understand how I managed to break that up over so many hours essentially not doing anything else. I think I'm also really self-conscious about the time I spend in general because I don't want it to seem like I'm ever sitting around doing nothing or wasting time or in fact doing something I'm not supposed to be doing.

The last is a fear that derives from another fear: that I will start to abuse the presence of a computer right in front of me for hours at a time with no one watching over my shoulder. You would think, being the good responsible person that I am that this wouldn't be an issue. And, I certainly intend for it not to become one. But especially through college comp, I have developed a habit of compulsively checking blogs and Facebook and webcomics in an effort to "break up a task" or more honestly, to avoid it. After that, it became something I just expected to do as soon as I'd gotten on the computer. For example, tonight I was on the computer for a full hour before I started to write this journal. I complain about not getting enough sleep, and then I get home from CYSB to not just write my journal and move on, but to dawdle about on Facebook, to check blogs, to look at visitor stats on my own [lame excuse for a] blog. The point is, all wisdom says that I should have just written this journal and gone to bed. Even better, I could have practiced piano first, which I haven't done nearly enough in general the past two weeks. This concerns me. I have never accessed Facebook from ProMusica, but I can because the SAB often works through it. I am worried that it will too quickly become a habit and I'll get myself into some problems.

Seriously though, can one be addicted to the internet? I remember when this guy from AA came to talk to my summer health class and I believe he said that an alcoholic "drinks to get drunk." I remember because he commented that he hadn't understood that definition to begin with because he didn't understand that this wasn't the case for everyone—that getting drunk was not the only purpose to which alcohol could be consumed. So what is the parallel for the internet? I think there really is a numbing effect, a calming effect to staring at a screen. There is something then addictive to constantly checking for updates. Do I make excuses for myself? No, I haven't done anything wrong yet. But I think the fact that I even think that I would—that I think just going to Facebook once would lead to a downward spiral—is kind of telling. Could be that I worry too much too. That one shouldn't be discounted either.

But I did make use of ProMusica's slow internet connection to prolong the time between phone calls. I would decide that there was something I should check first and have to load several internet pages at a crawling pace. Then I would think, I wonder if Julia has sent me an email asking me to do something else? (Doubly wishful thinking and procrastination!) This never managed to be the case. Katie apparently came in for five minutes or so but I didn't even see her. I think we're finishing up these phone calls on Thursday except for the one person who told me to call on Monday. Except that's not really true, because there were a few places I made excuses not to call and then there's a list of ideas of things to acquire that don't necessarily have a specific company or store attached to them and those will eventually become more phone calls too. I really, really, really just want to be done with this. I'm not going to my placement tomorrow and I'm surprised to realize what a relief that is for me. I really hate to get too negative, and I expect that anything that rubs me the wrong way is all the better of an experience, but I'm still just as glad to get a day off. Now, if only I could sleep in too…